We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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