when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
