I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
