All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
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