I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
