I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
