someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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