Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
