I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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