If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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