If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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