At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
