there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
