just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
