i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
