I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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