I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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