Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
