Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
