Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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