apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
