I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
