true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
