You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
