we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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