Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
