He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
