I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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