RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
