The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
