god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
