i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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