someone owes me an orgasm
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
