You can't special order awesome
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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