1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
smell my finger.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
