I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
