my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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