Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So much Jack, so little girl.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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