How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
