She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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