my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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