WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
