The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
