woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
