i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
