Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Houston, we have a blender
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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