I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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