I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
