I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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