I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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