Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
